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I wrote this in my diary and i'm copying it straight out of it because I feel like it needs to be read. It may help if you listen to "Adia" by Sarah McLachlan because i was listening to that while writing and sometimes you can understand where i'm coming from better and what i'm feeling if you're listening to what I am. Because music is everything. So here it goes: (tres, tres long)
Today was such a great day. It's a friday night and I stayed home all day watching mtv, talking on the phone, eating a shitload of food, and downloading a bunch of oldies like etta james, frank sinatra, temptations, audrey hepburn singing moon river <333, nirvana... i loved my day. I think everyone needs this in a while... staying home on a friday night and having a great time without the need of alcohol or any other drugs to make your time fun. music is all you need. music, and someone to talk to.
so a lot has been happening since the last time i've updated. i guess we could say we've had a lot of closure. a lot of closure and a lot of happy conclusions. or so i hope. i talked to her and we both realized our mistakes. we came to the conclusion that we're so similar that we can clash so much. we're both so stubborn and silly and "i'm so right" all the time and hypocritical that things get so confusing and our personalities deflate each others. things can be uncomfortable or awkward at times, but friendship takes trust, trust takes time. friendships take time to re-build and recuporate, thus we must be patient.
my best friend's uncle died on wednesday. and i know everyone goes through deaths in their family and i know its a hard subject to deal with. but its so much harder than expected. i have never had a death in my family or in my friends and i don't think i would ever be able to handle it. how is the concept of never seeing someone again concieved? why does it work like that? why does life have to be so difficult and why do things like death get in the way of your life and ruin everything? why is it that as soon as you get to love someone and care about them, and learn so much about them that you confuse their personality with yours, they have to leave you... sooner or later. and you're left with nothing but a flashback of the last time you saw a smile on their face... or a flashback or a memory of the last time you actually saw and felt their face. and suddenly nothing else matters but to see them one more time... but you can't. because death is the worst thing that you've ever confronted and you can never see them again... and suddenly you want to die just to be in the same situation they are in. so you won't have to go through grieving your best friend. and death brings these feelings, and these feelings bring you misery. i wish i could take her out of this misery. i wish i could do this one thing for her compared to all of the beautiful and wonderful and caring things she has done for me. and i suffer with her because she's suffering and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. it scares me and makes me more aggrevated than any other subject i ever come across. becuase we are born innocent but we get punishments for it. punishments like these... where once you suffer this death of a loved one, you no longer want to build friendships and love anyone else in fear of getting hurt like this again. if we were born innocent why did we have to suffer, what have we done that was so bad that we had to go through the death of every living thing we will ever lay eyes on? i don't understand this and i never will... it's too complicated for me to grasp and too selfish of the creator of life to take away. why can't you leave us with something... someone... why must you take everyone away?
And sometimes i think about you... and think if you could have a little more confidence. i told you... if you keep thinking these feelings people will start to believe those feelings. i have problems too, i have so many problems. i have problems i can't help and never will be able to no matter how many prescription drugs i take or how much help i get from a shrink. no matter what, there will still be scars and memories and flashbacks. have a little confidence in yourself, in you... in your personality, in your body, in your face. you're beautiful...... everyone is. fit into your skin and appreciate it... you'll be thankful once you did.
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Sometimes I ask why we're all the same deep inside. We all have these deep deep challenging insecurities. but there's no one to finger, there's no one to blame. we're not perfect, but it scares me that some think they're different because something they're feeling is different then what the girl or boy next to you is. everyone is the same, we're the same as someone as disgusting as Bin Laden... or someone as beautiful as Angelina Jolie. i can't believe this is coming out of my mouth but we are, and we all have the same intensions on the inside. they're insecurities we have, and things we want. things that we don't have and troubles inside of us, and the need to scream and make a point and just do about anything do come across to some politicians that lie to all of us to "protect" the nation when all they're doing is causing more problems by lying and ruining the trust.
I need to stop now. I could go rambling for hours. And i could use a cigarette. 'Cause suddenly I don't care about who's reading this or who's judging me or who's looking at me thinking i'm the biggest hypocrite or bitch or asshole. think whatever you want because this is what i think. and i'm sick of the rules, and the "trend" and the "normal" and i'm sick of "reality" because there's no such thing. so stop trying to "fit in" and be so god damn "normal" because you're looking pathetic. yes, i'm talking to you. stop looking inside the horizon and look beyond it and above it... look past what we're being brainwashed into being. give it a chance, maybe it'll be a little better for you and maybe you'll learn a little from it.
And listen to a little music... because music is all you need. Music, and someone to talk to.
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